A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
2) MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
3) LECTURE:
An art of transmitting information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
4) CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
5) COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
6) TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power!
7) CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
8) ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
9) CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.
10) SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
11) OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
12) YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouths.
13) EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their mistakes.
14) DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
15) OPTIMIST:
A person who, while falling from EIFFEL TOWER, says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
16) MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
17) FATHER:
A banker provided by nature.
18) BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
19) POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.
20) DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Wonderful Definitions
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Farniiieee Jokes
Why divorce?
* In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to
divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge.
* She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
* The judge asked, "How do you know?"
* She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Love Your Enemy
* From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month
after
I die I want you to marry Samy."
* "Samy! But he is your enemy!"
* "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Wedding Ring
* At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
* The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Why?
* "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be
home
that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's
arms.
* "Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
* Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she
didn't get the fax."
Same Service
* A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers
and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's
all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking."
* "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same
service!"
Talk about Husband
One woman told another: " My neighbour is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have
I ever said anything bad about him?"
Love To Do
* A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her
every
time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
* "I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well
enough."
No Answer Back
* A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts
shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer
her."
* One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
* The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the
house and none of them dares to answer back.
Come Home Late
* A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
* "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband
came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is
that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
* "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
* The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Problem Father
* "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
* He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
* "But that's wonderful," I said.
* "What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Hilarious Jokes
1.Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'.....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Mathematics of Men and Women
ROMANCE MATH
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
************************************
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
************************************
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
************************************
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
************************************
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
************************************
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
************************************
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
************************************
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Lawyers... oh! Lawyers
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
***
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?'
***
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
***
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
***
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
***
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
***
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
***
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
***
And the > best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes,it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
