The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Saturday, December 27, 2008
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
De mind of "old-Timers"
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomachlining Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm ca used by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Quote
He is half of a blessed man. Left to be finished by such as she; and she a fair divided excellence, whose fullness of perfection lies in him.
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Two Men & A Lady
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.
The 'SEX' Thing
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A cigarett in the RAIN
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke.
When it starts to rain, Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted........
About Man and Woman
「成功」，對男人的定義是指能賺很多的錢，
對女人的 定義是指能花很多的錢。
男人有錢就變壞，
女人變壞就有錢。
男人沒有女人，耳根清淨；
女人沒有男人，居家乾淨
男人「入錯行」，上班會很痛苦
女人「嫁錯郎」，下班會很痛苦
好女人，養壞男人的胃口
壞女人，吊足男人的胃口
婚前，男人像傳令兵
婚後，男人像指揮官
失戀不見得是世界末日：你的心也許會'泣血'你的荷包卻可以不再'失血'
以前提到結婚，想到「天長地久
現在提到結婚，想到「能撐多久
當初會結婚，說是「看上眼
後來會離婚，說是「看走眼
婚前，愛情是神話
婚後，愛情是笑話
男人花錢，是為了讓女人高興
女人花錢，是因為男人讓她不高興
嫁入「豪門」，要懂得理財；
嫁入「寒門」，要懂得生財
以前的人，視婚姻生活為"一輩子"
現代的人，視婚姻生活為"一陣子"
婚前，男人在餐廳等女人
婚後，女人在客廳等男人
婚前，男人經常找女人「討論」；
婚後，男人只告訴女人「結論」。
婚前，男人對她悄悄講話
婚後，男人對她大聲講話
戀愛時，情話綿綿
結婚後，謊話連連
戀愛時的男人，喜歡「毛手毛腳」；
結婚後的男人，變成「沒手沒腳」。
婚前，情侶做什麼都是「浪漫」；
婚後，夫妻做什麼都是「浪費」。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
如意郎君何處覓？
有才華的長得醜，
長得帥的掙錢少，
掙錢多的不顧家，
顧了家的沒出息，
有出息的不浪漫，
會浪漫的靠不住，
靠得住的又太窩囊………
男人呢?
漂亮的女人不下廚房，
下廚房的不溫柔，
會溫柔的沒主見，
有主見的沒女人味，
有女人味的亂花錢，
不亂花錢的不時尚，
時尚的不放心，
放心的沒看頭。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
想結婚，是自己已能獨立；
想離婚，是子女已獨立。
婚前的男人，大都很幽默。
婚后的男人，大都很沉默。
女人的記性，吵架時最好；
男人的耐性，結婚后最差。
戀愛時，一見面就「親嘴」；
結婚後，一見面就「鬥嘴」。
婚前，男人常給女人「空白支票」；
婚後，男人常給女人「空頭支票」。
戀愛時，生活「妙不可言」；
結婚後，日子「苦不堪言」。
婚前，男人天天盯著女人；
婚後，女人天天盯著男人。
熱戀時，總相許下輩子再結良緣；
結婚後，常常疑上輩子造作孽緣。
大男人，會「作威作福」；
好男人，會「作牛作馬」。
婚前，「謊話」都是「情話」；
婚後，「情話」都是「廢話」。
婚前，靠近一點；
婚後，閃開一點。
Economics : The Cow Factor
SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM : *deleted* (afraid of ISA :>)
MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : ditto
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using lettersof credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the UnitedStates , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.A
FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you'resobering up and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them
A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Beauty of Maths
Brilliant, isn't it? And look at this symmetry:
Now, take a look at this...
101% From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
If: H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%
And: K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%
But: A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E 1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you: L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
Womanly Wisdom
Mia De Angelo said:-
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. or a charming Inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
The story about "subsidy"...
An email received from a friend...
A man called Mat owns a farm which can produce 10 apples every day. He has 5 workers to operate the farm. Each of them eats 1 apple daily and it is enough to keep them operating the farm normally. The remaining 4 apples, the landlord sells them at RM10 each and he earns RM40. He uses the RM25 to improve the farm operation and facilities. He gives RM2.00 to each of his workers and he keeps the remaining RM5.00 as profit. Day by day, the farm is well developed and all of the 5 workers are happy with the money they can save.
When Mat passed away and there is a new landlord, Addy comes to continue the farm operation. He says to the workers:" We need to improve the farm quality and redefine our way of thinking. >From now on all of you only need to pay RM1.00 for each apple you eat. It is very cheap as the price is RM10 each outside the farm." The workers have no choice but to pay RM1.00 for the apple they eat daily. Their earning decrease from RM2.00 to RM1.00 per person. As usual, Addy sells the 4 apples and he gets RM40. He uses RM25 for farm improvement and pays RM10 to his 5 workers. He gets RM5.00 as profit. On top of that, he gets another RM5.00 from the apples that he sells to his workers. In total, he gets RM10 as profit every day. Soon, the apple price increases to RM20 each. The new landlord gets a higher profit as he gets RM80 for the 4 apples he sells daily. Then, he decides to give the farming improvement contract to one of his close friend, Sam. Sam says:"Apple cost naik, improvement cost also misti naik." So, the farm improvement cost increases from RM25 to RM50. In actual, the improvement only cost RM30. The remaining RM20, Addy and Sam share evenly among themselves.
Let's calculate how much Addy gets daily: RM10 (from farm improvement cost) RM20 (Net profit by selling 4 apples: [Gross profit, RM80] - [Improvement cost, RM50] - [Wages RM10] = RM20) RM5 (from selling apples to his workers) In total, Abdul gets RM35 daily compare to RM10 initially when he takes over the farm from Mat. His profit increases RM25 and the workers are still getting RM1.00 daily per person. The greedy Addy does not want to stop there. One day, he says to his fellow workers:" You see ah, the current market price for one apple is RM20 and you are only paying RM1. See how lucky you are! I have to SUBSIDY RM19.00 for each of the apple you buy and total I need to SUBSIDY RM95.00. This will greatly burden the farm and we might get bankrupt if we continue like this. In order to avoid bankruptcy, I need to increase the apple price that you buy from RM1.00 to RM1.50 and I will bear the remaining RM18.50 per apple as my subsidy to you all. " So, greedy Addy adds RM2.50 to his current profit and the number becomes RM37.50.
After you have read the story, I am sure you have already understood the meaning of "SUBSIDY". The RM95 subsidy never existed in the first place....
20 years ago an Obama's story
Oct 05, 2008
The Norwegian newspaper VG has reported a truly amazing story about a newly-wed trying to get to Norway to be with her husband, and the stranger who helped pay an unexpected luggage surcharge.
The blog 'Leisha's Random Thoughts' has translated the story:
It was 1988, and Mary Andersen was in line at the Miami airport checking in for a long flight to Norway to be with her husband. When it was finally Mary's turn, she got the message that would crush her bubbling feeling of happiness.
"You'll have to pay a 103 dollar surcharge if you want to bring both those suitcases to Norway," the man behind the counter said.
Mary had no money. Her new husband had travelled ahead of her to Norway, and she had no one else to call.
"I was completely desperate and tried to think which of my things I could manage without. But I had already made such a careful selection of my most prized possessions," says Mary.As tears streamed down her face, she heard a 'gentle and friendly voice' behind her saying, "That's okay, I'll pay for her."
Mary turned around to see a tall man whom she had never seen before. He had a gentle and kind voice that was still firm and decisive. "The first thing I thought was, Who is this man?"
Although this happened 20 years ago, Mary still remembers the authority that radiated from the man. He was nicely dressed, with brown leather shoes, a cotton shirt open at the throat and khaki pants, says Mary.
She was thrilled to be able to bring both her suitcases to Norway and assured the stranger that he would get his money back. The man wrote his name and address on a piece of paper that he gave to Mary. She thanked him repeatedly. When she finally walked off towards the security checkpoint, he waved goodbye to her.
Who was the man?
Barack Obama.
Twenty years later, she is thrilled that the friendly stranger at the airport may be the next President and has voted for him already and donated 100 dollars to his campaign:"He was my knight in shining armor," says Mary, smiling.
She paid the 103 dollars back to Obama the day after she arrived in Norway. At that time he had just finished his job as a poorly paid community worker in Chicago, and had started his law studies at prestigious Harvard university.
Mary even convinced her parents to vote for him: In the spring of 2006 Mary's parents had heard that Obama was considering a run for president, but that he had still not decided. They chose to write a letter in which they told him that he would receive their votes. At the same time, they thanked Obama for helping their daughter 18 years earlier.
And Obama replied. In a letter to Mary's parents dated May 4th 2006 and stamped "United States Senate, Washington DC' Barack Obama writes:
'I want to thank you for the lovely things you wrote about me and for reminding me of what happened at Miami airport. I'm happy I could help back then, and I'm delighted to hear that your daughter is happy in Norway. Please send her my best wishes. Sincerely, Barack Obama, United States Senator'.
The parents sent the letter on to Mary.
Mary says that when her friends and associates talk about the election, especially when race relations is the heated subject, she relates the story of the kind man who helped out a stranger-in-need over twenty years ago, years before he had even thought about running for high office.
UPDATE: Also, remember this was 1988, when 100 dollars was quite a bit of money, compared to today's value.
Truly a wonderful story, and something that needs to be passed along in the maelstorm of fear-and-smear politics we are being subjected to right now.
The Ladner Report
The Ant and The Grasshopper
This is a rather amusing and interesting story and yet practically true. It is a good analogy!
1) Older Version
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer, building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool, and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed.
The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
2) Modern Version
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer, building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool, and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. media show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The majority of the members in the Department are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this poor Grasshopper be allowed to suffer?
The Amoeba stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
The Worm goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.
The Department immediately passes a rule and regulation preventing Ants from working hard in the summer so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. The Chief makes 'More Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational & in the Department Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to share 30% of his food with the Grasshopper.
The Leader announces that this is part of the 'Rules'. Every ant must not question it.
Many years later...
The Ant has migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company there. 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite the 'Special Reservation' Losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, this department is still developing. All because the ANTS are still doing their work.
两性之战：不同的母天鹅
有一对夫妻经常吵架， 有一天， 两人结伴到湖边散步， 看到湖面上有一对天鹅悠闲地戏水。
太太看到这一景象， 感慨地说；“亲爱的，如果我们也能像这两只鹅一样，相亲相爱， 不知道该有多好！”
先生听了，一言不发。
第二天， 夫妻又来到湖边，太太开口说：“真羡慕湖上的那一对天鹅， 希望我俩也能这般恩爱！”
这时，先生缓缓地说：“嗯，我也这么希望！不过，你看这一只母鹅， 并不是昨天的那一只哦！”
